How Can Families Talk About the Future — Before It’s Too Late?

At the large oak table, three generations had gathered. The conversation was warm — stories, laughter, the grandchildren’s noise. But when the subject of the company came up, a polite silence fell.

The father, now in his seventies, still ran the business with quiet authority. He had built it, after all. His children, now in their forties, each successful in their own way, felt uneasy. They didn’t want to appear impatient or greedy. But they also didn’t want to wake up one day to find that decisions had been made for them, not with them.

This scene is not unusual. The older generation often hesitates to discuss succession — not because they don’t care, but because it feels like talking about endings. The younger generation stays silent too — out of respect, or fear of tension. And so, the family avoids the very conversations that could preserve both harmony and heritage.

In these moments, one of the wisest steps a family can take is to invite an experienced and truly independent moderator. Experience matters — because such discussions are rarely just about money or governance; they touch on loyalty, gratitude, control, and identity. And independence matters even more — the moderator must not belong to one group or generation, but act for all, carefully protecting the interests of everyone around the table.

A good moderator does not impose solutions. He helps to create space, to guide a respectful process where each family member can speak and be heard. That process often results, in time, in a Family Charter or Family Governance Agreement — but this is not a document that should be “delivered” or “signed off” in one sitting. It should evolve, slowly, through reflection, dialogue, and mutual understanding.

In my practice, I ask every adult family member to co-sign the Engagement Letter, making them all equal clients. That equality builds trust. And if even one member withdraws, the process stops — because the moderator cannot continue if the circle of trust is broken.

There is another point that is often underestimated. In my experience, the moderator should not come from within the family’s own social or professional circles — not even from the same community or region. It can, in fact, be safer for the family to work with someone from outside their familiar environment. A foreigner — someone who speaks their language, but does not belong to their world — can offer a kind of discreet distance that protects the family’s privacy. In societies where reputation and discretion are deeply valued, this distance can be a genuine advantage: it reassures everyone that what is shared around the table will stay there.

Families that allow time for this process, guided by an experienced and independent hand, often find that something unexpected happens: what began as a negotiation becomes a shared birth process — the creation of a structure that will hold both the family and the enterprise together for generations to come.

When that happens, the silence at the table is replaced by something better: a conversation that continues.

Also published here: https://www.familymattersonline.info/how-can-families-talk-about-future/